


you're my past, present, and future

by hyucksdream



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Flashbacks, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mark dies, donghyuck tries to deal with it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-22 06:53:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19662091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyucksdream/pseuds/hyucksdream
Summary: It’s cruel how the sun is shining through the window, the rays of light creating shadows of the six boys. Mark always compared Donghyuck’s love to the sunshine; it seems unfair that the sun could still shine when Donghyuck is so distraught and Mark is no longer here.(or, the one where mark dies and donghyuck reflects on their friendship, starting from when they were children)





	you're my past, present, and future

**Author's Note:**

> this fic takes place after mark dies, so please, please, please, make sure you're okay to read this. it's not graphic at all, but please read the tags :)) enjoy!!

Donghyuck sinks to the ground none too lightly, a sharp pain reverberating through his tailbone as it makes contact with the ground, the doctor’s words replaying through his head. 

He had already run through the hospital, desperately trying to find Mark, begging that it wasn’t true before a doctor had escorted him back here. 

He’s still out of breath, struggling to get oxygen into his body as he leans his head back against the wall, feeling like - nothing. Donghyuck can’t make sense of what’s going on, nothing but the few sentences the doctor had told him sympathetically running through his head. 

“We did everything he could. He was a fighter. He fought until the very end.”

Donghyuck cradles his knees up to his chest, staring ahead at the wall, his vision fuzzy and breathing labored. He had heard the words that the doctor had said, but they weren’t making sense, he couldn’t comprehend the full weight behind the words. 

The hospital room was empty when he reached it. No body, no sheets on the bed, no IV. Nothing. There is nothing in this room other than Donghyuck’s thoughts, which are large enough to take up all the space in the room. 

Donghyuck sits there, not understanding what’s happening. His mind isn’t able to grasp the full impact of the doctor’s words. Still, there’s an unmistakable pain in his heart, throbbing and sharp and piercing in all the wrong ways. 

The boy focuses on the cool tile under his hands. He breathes and breathes and breathes. He eventually topples over, collapsing onto the floor exhaustedly, a numb feeling rushing over him. He lies there, thinking about nothing until the door to the hospital room opens and two boys rush in. 

“Donghyuck!” Renjun runs over to where the younger boy is on the floor, pulling him up slowly. “Hey.”

Jeno is behind him, tears mixed with snot, creating a mess on his face. Jeno crouches down next to him, wrapping his arms around Donghyuck’s torso, his face disappearing into Hyuck’s shoulder as he tries to control his sobs. 

Renjun’s own face is contorted with pain, but he reaches forward and wipes away the tears from Donghyuck’s face. He hadn’t realized he was crying. Renjun buries his own face in Donghyuck’s other shoulder, the three of them a unit missing their fourth member. 

It didn’t matter that the four of them hadn’t been a unit since high school. They were best friends, and that was supposed to last forever. It was supposed to mean something, but it clearly didn’t, if their unit could be destroyed in a span of only three hours. 

They sit there, breathing together, crying together, trying to get their grief under control. It isn’t for another hour when the door opens again, this time followed by Jisung, Chenle, and Jaemin walking in. 

Jaemin’s face is dry, though dried tear tracks are apparent and his eyes are swollen and puffy just like the rest of them. Jisung’s face is red and he’s hiccupping, taking this harder than anyone else. Chenle has an arm wrapped around his friend, his own tears dripping silently down his face, hair mussed like his hands had been combing through it frantically. 

The three join the others on the floor, bitterly silent as they adjust themselves on the floor.

“We were supposed to have more time together,” Jaemin’s voice is hoarse, and more tears spring to his eyes with the words. 

Donghyuck studies the tile in front of him. It’s cruel how the sun is shining through the window, the rays of light creating shadows of the six boys. Mark always compared Donghyuck’s love to the sunshine; it seems unfair that the sun could still shine when Donghyuck is so distraught and Mark is no longer here. 

“Did the doctor tell you … what happened?” Chenle whispers, looking across to Renjun. 

Renjun sighs and nods, pushing himself off of Donghyuck and taking Chenle’s hand in his. 

“He was trying to be a hero like he always did,” Renjun smiles softly, though he winces after realizing his use of the past tense. “Like he always does. He was driving home to visit and left campus at around three in the morning. You know how he likes driving in the early morning, he likes the empty roads,” Jeno whimpers at the statement and Donghyuck automatically tightens his grip around his best friend, though he himself feels like he is falling and doesn’t have anywhere to land. 

It’s painful, imagining what Renjun is telling them. But Donghyuck can’t help but imagine Mark, his sweet best friend Mark, driving home with his favorite music blasting, even when it’s the middle of the night. He can imagine Mark drinking cup after cup of coffee to keep himself awake, looking forward to seeing his friends again. Donghyuck can imagine the scenario vividly, even though it hurts him so much to think about what’s coming. 

“He was driving and there was a drunk driver coming into his lane and he decided to save the other person instead of himself. He swerved off the road into a tree, which allowed the other car to stay on the road. But he-” Renjun breaks off, looking down at the polished white tile, his voice starting to waver. 

They ascend into silence, staring at their shoes or out the window. Donghyuck’s eyes are glassy and unfocused as he stares at the floor. 

It wasn’t fair. This shouldn’t have happened to Mark. Not his Mark. He had grown up with Mark. Silly, sweet, caring Mark Lee, who had a heart that was always bigger than anyone else’s. It used to get him into trouble. Instead of reporting students who were misbehaving during school, he used to do his best to help them, offering to tutor kids who certainly did not deserve it, sharing his lunch with anyone who had forgotten theirs. He was always doing everything to the best of his abilities. And Donghyuck isn’t sure he can believe that he won’t ever see Mark again.

He wonders how it’s so easy for life to be destroyed. Mark had lived twenty-two years, yet it took less than an hour for his life to be taken. 

*

Donghyuck grinned as his teacher wished him goodbye and sent him running towards the doors. Unlike the other students, Donghyuck wasn’t afraid of going to school, which had made his first day unimaginably better. He had had so much fun at school and he couldn’t wait to tell his mom all about his adventures. 

He had made friends - Jeno was the one who was almost as tall as him, and Yangyang was the one who didn’t share his crayons with Donghyuck, causing the two to fight before he eventually agreed to share. 

They had played on the playground and Donghyuck flipped upside down on the swings, vaguely remembering his mother chastising him about the same thing only a few days ago, but he ignored the thought and continued to play. He had even colored a picture of his family, his mom, dad, little sister, and dog. Later, he had scribbled on two stick figures, labeling the taller one as ‘Jeno’, and the smaller one as ‘Yangyang’.

Donghyuck, in his haste to get home and retell the events of the day to his mother, proceeded to trip over absolutely nothing, and tumbled to the ground, scraping his knee in the process. 

“Ow,” Donghyuck winced and tried to contain the water in his eyes. Big boys didn’t cry when they fell, he told himself. His lip was quivering, and despite his best efforts, 5-year-old Donghyuck cried, cradling his knee to his chest. 

“Hey, are you okay?” a questioning voice asked from behind, and Donghyuck turned to see an unfamiliar face. It was another student on his way from school. He looked to be around the same age as Donghyuck. The other boy was frowning and crouched down when Donghyuck shook his head. 

“I fell down,” he mumbled, looking down and discreetly swiping his tears away. 

“I have a bandaid. Do you want it?” the other boy asked, already rummaging through his backpack. “My mommy always makes sure I have enough bandaids for me and other people. She says that I should always help other people when possible.”

He pulled out a small pouch and unzipped it, taking out an assortment of bandaids. Donghyuck leaned forward curiously, examining the characters on the bandaids. 

“You can’t have my Spiderman one because I only have one left, but do you want the Iron Man ones?” the boy asked, thrusting his hands closer to Donghyuck’s eyes. 

Donghyuck pouted, “But Spiderman is my favorite.”

The other boy’s eyes lit up, “Really? He’s mine too! Look, I have one right here!” he bent his arm, putting his elbow on display, where he did, indeed, have little Spidermen displayed on the tape. “I guess I can give you the last one so we can be matching.”

Once Donghyuck had the bandaid on his knee, the other boy helped him up, pulling him along as they crossed the street. “What’s your name?” Donghyuck asked as they trekked along. 

“Mark Lee! I live in that house over there,” he pointed it out and Donghyuck nodded enthusiastically. 

“I’m Donghyuck Lee! And we live on the same street! How old are you?” Donghyuck wondered curiously. 

“I just turned 6! We had a big party and my parents got me my favorite chocolate cake! And I got a robot toy,” Mark grinned before turning, “Do you wanna see it? We can ask your mom if we can play at my house.”

Donghyuck grinned at his older friend. “Yeah! I have a robot toy too. I’ll bring it!”

Mark and Donghyuck’s friendship begins like this: two boys too nice for their own good meet and befriend each other. They get along easily, and Donghyuck thinks Mark is the coolest person to exist. The only cooler person is Mark’s older brother, Taeyong. Their friendship is comfortable and long-lasting. Until it isn’t.

* 

Renjun’s phone rings but he doesn’t move an inch. The six of them are still huddled on the floor, the sun has almost fully risen now. It’s a beautiful day outside, or it would be, if not for the atmosphere inside hospital room 156. Renjun’s phone rings again, the soft beachy melody too pleasant for any of the boys right now. Renjun picks up the phone gingerly, his lips pulled into a frown. He doesn’t stop to check the caller ID before silencing it and sliding it away from him. He resettles back down next to Donghyuck and they retreat in their silence again. 

It’s only a few moments later when the door is pushed open, a frantic Kun rushing in, followed by only a slightly calmer Johnny. The two visibly deflate once they realize all six kids are accounted for and gather around them. Kun leans down, pulling Jisung and Chenle away from the other’s embrace. “You okay?”

Chenle shakes his head, he’s nowhere near okay, and the action sets Jisung off on another bout of tears.

Johnny wraps his arms around Jisung, softly caressing the younger’s hair. “Come on. I know you two haven’t eaten anything yet.”

Jisung lets Johnny maneuver him, pulling him up and walking him over to the door. Kun and Chenle stand, Kun sending the remaining four a comforting smile. His voice is rough when he says, “If you want to eat, come on out, alright?”

Jaemin nods for the group, sending something akin to a smile at Kun. The four don’t fail to notice the dried tears on Kun’s face or the way Johnny’s hair is completely disheveled from running his hands through it one too many times. 

Donghyuck flinches when the door slams shut behind Kun and Johnny. He’s not sure why, there’s nothing to be afraid of. He, Jaemin, Jeno, and Renjun are just sitting in silence. The four of them have run out of tears for the time being. 

Jeno’s hand is limp in Donghyuck’s and when he looks over, Jeno’s asleep, lips slightly parted. Donghyuck manages to quirk his lips up at the sight. Jeno had been awake for longer than Donghyuck, and there was no doubt that he was exhausted. 

Donghyuck resumes staring at the wall in front of them. He has taken to counting the number of specks of dust he sees in the air, illuminated by the light coming in through the big window next to them. He’s at 143 when he passes out from exhaustion. 

*

Donghyuck settled into his office chair, throwing his feet up on the desk. He grabbed his phone, ignoring the giant pile of papers that called his name whenever he looked in their direction. School was stressful, but that was nothing new. He unlocked his phone, finding two texts from Mark. Donghyuck straightened at that. He and Mark hadn’t talked in a few weeks. He gingerly clicked on the notification, allowing the text thread to open. 

**Markie Mark**

**6:41 PM**

**Hey, I know we haven’t talked in a while**

**but do you wanna get coffee soon? I’ll**

**be in town next week?**

Donghyuck bit his lip. He wanted to meet up with Mark more than ever. Their schedules were demanding, though. Mark being in law school with two internships was crazy for him to juggle, Donghyuck knew. When Mark started his second internship, it felt like he checked his phone once a week at most. Them going to different universities did have its downfalls. Donghyuck’s own schedule was plenty demanding as well. Pre-med felt like another planet from law. 

Donghyuck knew he wouldn’t be able to get coffee next week without even having to check his calendar. He was shadowing a doctor at the hospital and couldn’t afford to not show up. 

  
  


**Donghyuckie**

**6:56 PM**

**I can’t next week, i’m shadowing a doctor all week.**

**How about once finals are over?**

It hurt Donghyuck as he pressed send. He could feel himself growing further apart from Mark and had no idea how to stop it. He wished they were back in high school. They could be at the other’s house in three minutes at the send of a text. Now, it took weeks of planning just to get their schedules to align. 

His phone buzzed and he allowed himself to check it one more time before he had to get started on homework. 

**Markie Mark**

**6:58 PM**

**No worries haha! Definitely after exams**

**are over though! Good luck on your**

**finals!**

Donghyuck sighed. Mark was so nice and he honestly just missed him a lot. He wished their schedules were more permitting. But they weren’t, and there was no point in dwelling on it, so he opened up his textbook and started reading. 

*

Donghyuck has no tears left to cry. His skin stretches taut across his face, dry and stiff from the countless hours of crying he has done. Next to him, Jeno lifts his head from Donghyuck’s shoulder, his own sniffing dying down as he rubs at his nose. Renjun and Jaemin have also quieted down, and there’s an empty silence that no one knows how to fill. Where do you even start to talk through what’s just happened?

The door opens again, and four exhausted heads turn towards it. Taeil walks in, something akin to pain present on his face as his gaze lands on the boys. 

He extends a hand to Renjun first and echoes what Kun had said before. “Come on, let’s get some food. I know none of you have eaten anything since yesterday.”

It’s soft, but firm enough that no one wants to argue. None of them have the energy to speak anyway. 

One by one, Taeil helps each of them up until they’re all standing on their own two, albeit weak, feet. 

“Let’s go,” he turns and walks out the door, leading the way to the cafeteria. 

Donghyuck thinks it’s weird to leave the hospital room so soon. The hours they had spent sitting in the room say otherwise, but Donghyuck still feels reluctant to leave. He sighs and turns, looking over the slightly messy bed, the blinds letting in lots of morning sunlight, and the IV stand next to the empty bed. He turns, shuddering involuntarily before he heads out of the room. 

The hallway is quieter than Donghyuck expects. He doesn’t know quite what he expects. He knows that a lot of people know Mark, but of course, the hospital has to stay quiet and organized. It feels too. . . ordinary for Donghyuck. Like nothing had ever happened. No trace that Mark had ever stepped foot in this small hospital, miles away from home. 

Donghyuck drags his feet across the floor. His gaze is fixated on the shoelaces that had come undone on his shoes. He stares at the feet ahead of him, finding Jeno’s gray adidas shoes easily and following their path. 

He rounds the corner, slowly raising his eyes to see Sicheng nodding at his phone, most likely on facetime with Yuta. There’s a dull look on his face, like he’s not really there and Donghyuck feels his lip quiver again. Sicheng was Mark’s first friend from university. They had met during Mark’s first week of university, and they had gotten close in no time. Mark tells him the story every time he and Sicheng meet. Sitting on the chairs next to Sicheng, Jaehyun and Taeyong are staring blankly ahead at the wall, their hands intertwined loosely. Donghyuck can’t begin to imagine how Taeyong is feeling. 

Donghyuck walks to the older boy, the brother he never had, and wraps his arms around Taeyong’s neck. Taeyong leans up into the hug, rubbing Donghyuck’s back gently. There are no words exchanged, but the gesture is enough. It comforts Donghyuck like he was hugging his own brother. Donghyuck manages a weak smile in Jaehyun and Sicheng’s direction before he walks back to his group of friends. 

At one of the cafeteria tables, Johnny and Kun are sitting with Chenle and Jisung, and Taeil takes a seat at the table, patting the spaces next to him for the other four to sit down. Donghyuck waits until the other three are seated, and then sits down, laying his head down on the table, closing his eyes wearily. 

*

“Oh I see Mark’s parents! Over there,” Donghyuck gestured in the general direction, turning back to his own parents. He was far too excited for the ceremony, probably more excited than Mark himself. 

“Alright, let’s go sit down near them. I’ll see if I can find Yukhei’s mom,” his mom said, trailing off as she turned to look for Yukhei’s mother.

The ceremony was taking place at the nearest university’s stadium since their high school had quite a lot of graduates each year. The entire stadium was full of purple and gold attire, as those were Mark and Donghyuck’s school colors. Donghyuck peered down at the large cluster of high school seniors, trying to find Mark in the sea of purple.

His dad gently pushed him forward, reminding him that he was supposed to be taking a seat near Mark’s parents. Donghyuck resumed walking, taking in the exciting atmosphere around him. 

Mark was, of course, near the top of his class, and he had plenty of cords and tassels to signify how successful he was in high school. He had worked himself dry, balancing homework, volunteering, working, clubs, and soccer all together. It only made sense that he had gotten into as prestigious a university that he did. Donghyuck felt his heart swell as he finally caught a glimpse of his best friend, Mark’s neatly styled black hair glimmering under the bright lights. His smile grew as his eyes met Donghyuck’s and he lifted his hand in greeting. 

Donghyuck took a seat happily, waving and greeting Mark’s parents as his parents sat down next to him.

“Hello, everyone! We are so glad you could make it out here tonight to celebrate our very own seniors! Let’s get the ceremony started!” their principal started, eliciting applause from the crowd as well as the graduates. 

Donghyuck settles back in his chair, focusing on Mark as the different seniors start walking across the stage, receiving their diploma, shouts and cheers resonating for each person. 

When Mark walks across the stage, Donghyuck is sure that he’s never been prouder of his friend. Mark is all smiles, politely shaking hands with each member of the school’s administration as they send him special smiles reserved just for the school’s golden students. The cheers are just as loud as Donghyuck thought they would be. Anyone who has met Mark knew how pure and hardworking he was, and the number of people he had cheering for him was a clear indicator that he was valued in their school. Donghyuck hoped he had half as many people cheering for him next year. 

Mark’s mom next to him was cheering the loudest, and she had stood up to blow a kiss to her son who sent her a radiant grin in return. 

The rest of the ceremony went smoothly, Donghyuck recognizing most of the seniors from his school, cheering for Yukhei, Hendery, and Xiaojun as they walked across the stage themselves. 

Donghyuck’s heart was full seeing the unmatched happiness in Mark’s face. He was practically glowing as he stood for photo after photo with his family and friends. He had already taken a few with Donghyuck, so the younger was standing a few feet away, just taking in the sight in front of him. Mark was sticking his tongue out as Jeno and Renjun picked up him easily, grinning at the camera. Mark was so happy to be done with high school, Donghyuck knew. It was a period of stress that had finally come to an end. 

Still, there was moisture starting to form in Donghyuck’s eyes, and his stomach was churning. There were certain thoughts that had been circling his mind for weeks that he had done his best to block out, but now, seeing Mark graduate right in front of him, elicited a sadness he wasn’t sure how to deal with. 

He stepped back a few more steps, trying to detach himself from the situation so he wouldn’t get emotional during Mark’s graduation. This wasn’t about him. They were all here to appreciate and congratulate Mark. 

Donghyuck stumbled into a warm body behind him, arms coming up to his waist to steady him. 

Donghyuck turned, “Oh shit, sorry, I didn’t see you there. Oh, hey Yukhei!” he said once he looked to the tall boy in front of him.

Yukhei was laughing, “No big deal, be careful, though.”

If the taller boy caught on to the moisture in Donghyuck’s eyes, he didn’t say anything, which Donghyuck appreciated. 

“Congrats, man! I can’t believe you graduated,” Donghyuck clapped Yukhei’s back as they went in for a hug. Yukhei was smiling proudly, and he gestured back to where Yukhei’s mom was conversing with Donghyuck’s. 

“I’m just happy seeing my mom so happy. I think she’s happier than I am. This is such a good feeling, though,” Yukhei breathed out, the smile never dimming on his face. 

“I’m so excited for next year,” Donghyuck sighed. He was feeling the senioritis months before anyone else was, and he knew it was because of a certain Mark Lee. 

“So excited for what?” Mark asked, coming up next to Donghyuck, flashing a smile at Yukhei. “Yukhei, my man, we did it!” 

Yukhei and Mark exchanged details about their grad parties for a few minutes before Yukhei excused himself and walked over to where his mom was waiting for him. 

“Ready to go?” Mark asked, beaming down at Donghyuck. The sun in his eyes made them glimmer, turning them a honey-gold Donghyuck would never get sick of looking into. 

Donghyuck nodded and he quickly reminded his mom that he had plans with Mark before they left campus, heading for Mark’s car. 

The two boys were sat outside the ice cream shop, both of them eating in silence as they appreciated the beginnings of the sunset, purple and pink hues decorating the sky. 

Mark had changed in the car unceremoniously, he didn’t want to bring attention to the fact that he had just graduated, even though he had more right than anyone else to brag. He was sitting across from Donghyuck, dressed in his dress pants and button down shirt, matching Donghyuck’s own formal attire. 

“Can I try some of yours?” Mark asked, widening his eyes and jutting his lip out playfully. 

“No,” Donghyuck pulled his cup closer to his chest, spooning more of his delicious cookies & cream in his mouth. 

Mark sighed and put his spoon back in his own cup of chocolate chip cookie dough, prompting Donghyuck to place his cup back down on the table. Wrong move. Mark pounced, stuffing his spoon in Donghyuck’s cup and bringing it to his mouth, savoring the sweetness of the ice cream. 

“What the hell,” Donghyuck protested and stuck his own spoon in Mark’s almost empty cup, scooping as much as he could on the little spoon, shoving it into his mouth before Mark could interfere. 

Mark rolled his eyes but didn’t bother Donghyuck any further, eating his own ice cream. They descended into silence for a little while, and it wasn’t long before Donghyuck felt the same pressure from earlier building up in his chest again. He sucked in a deep breath and turned to look at the sky, the sun getting farther away as it settled towards the other side of the world. The sky was a dark blue near the horizon, the pinks and purples giving way to a burnt orange that lit the sky luminously. 

A tear slipped down Donghyuck’s cheek as his vision clouded, the sky turning into a blur of color. He hated crying in front of other people, least of all Mark. He turned back to his cup of ice cream, sniffing as quietly as possible. Still, Mark heard and his head snapped up instantly, concern taking over his pretty features. 

“What’s wrong, Hyuck?” Mark dropped his spoon into his cup and scooted forward, laying his hand on top of Donghyuck’s. 

Donghyuck shook his head and brought his free hand up to wipe at his eyes. He blinked, letting all the tears fall freely before taking a shaky breath. 

“Donghyuck, will you talk to me? I know you aren’t this upset about the ice cream.”

Donghyuck managed to chuckle after a few seconds of silence. “What if I am upset about the ice cream? I’m running out. It’ll melt soon and then it’ll be gone.”

“Then I’ll get you more. I’ll always buy you ice cream,” Mark said simply, his tone changing, getting more serious. 

“What about when there’s no ice cream left?” Donghyuck wasn’t talking about ice cream anymore and his vision was getting blurrier as he pulled his hand away from Mark. 

“Donghyuck, look at me,” Mark’s voice went back to gentle; he had caught on. Donghyuck reluctantly lifted his head, eyes locking with Mark’s stern ones. “I promise you, we’re not gonna stop being friends just because I’m going to university. The only thing that’s gonna change is that we won’t see each other in person as often, but we’re gonna facetime whenever we have time. And you’re gonna be a senior; you’re gonna be so busy you won’t even notice that I’m gone. You think that I’m gonna forget you but really, you’re gonna be the one who forgets about me.”

Donghyuck scoffed, there was no universe in which he wouldn’t notice Mark’s absence, but Mark had hit every nail on its head, and Donghyuck felt childish for not being able to control his feelings better. 

“Okay,” he nodded, lifting the bottom of his shirt to dry his face off, “I still want more ice cream, though.”

Mark laughed, and everything was alright again. “Cookies and cream or banana?”

“If you get me banana, Mark Lee, you’d better watch your back,” Donghyuck threw his spoon at Mark’s face as he got up and headed back inside the shop, a goofy smile playing on his lips. 

“Promise me that you’ll still call, okay? I know you aren’t going far but I’m still gonna miss you. This is our last summer together as kids and everything’s changing,” Donghyuck said from Mark’s bed. He had tried not to ruin the mood again, but he couldn’t find it in himself to stop thinking about everything that had been stressing him out. 

Mark popped his head out from his bathroom, the same concerned expression taking over his face once again. He had been in the middle of brushing his teeth, so he quickly rinsed his mouth and made his way back to the bed, taking a seat across from Donghyuck.

“I promise, Donghyuck. You know that you can’t be forgotten so easily. Chin up, okay? We have all summer to spend together, we’ll be okay,” Mark whispered, pulling Donghyuck close to him and wrapping his arms around him tightly. 

They sat like that for a few minutes, Donghyuck trying to make Mark’s words stick in his brain.  _ We’ll be okay _ , he repeated in his mind, over and over again. They would be okay. Donghyuck would be okay. 

“Fuck, okay, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m being like this today,” Donghyuck pulled away, throwing his body back on the bed and facing the ceiling, staring at the spinning fan. He was suddenly embarrassed for making a big deal over nothing, even though it was a big deal to him. 

“It’s alright, Hyuck. We’re gonna be fine,” Mark said and suddenly Donghyuck had an idea. 

“Can I see your phone?”

Mark narrowed his eyes curiously but grabbed his phone off the nightstand, handing it over to Donghyuck reluctantly. Donghyuck snatched it out of Mark’s hand, a small smirk on his face as he turned away from Mark, eliciting an annoyed groan from the older. 

“What are you doing anyway?” Mark asked, trying to catch a peek over Donghyuck’s shoulder, just as Donghyuck turned back over, thrusting the phone back into Mark’s hands. 

“Look at it,” he nodded towards the phone. 

Mark turned his phone on, taking one look at his lockscreen before throwing his head back and laughing, though his laughs were a little more watery than usual. 

His lockscreen was a photo of him and Donghyuck as kids on Halloween, wearing matching dinosaur suits and growling at the camera. It was an adorable photo, and to this day, it remained one of Donghyuck’s favorite childhood photos. 

The weight of the situation was starting to hit Mark as well. He didn’t want to leave his best friend and go to university. 

He swiped up, unlocking his phone, and his eyes filled up as he took in the homescreen. It was the latest photo the two had taken together, Mark clad in his graduation cap and gown, Donghyuck on his back in a piggy back ride, the both of them smiling widely. 

“You can’t change it until summer’s over,” Donghyuck said and Mark turned to face him, a slightly somber smile splaying out on his lips. 

“I won’t,” Mark agreed though his voice was shaky, and he knew that it wasn’t likely that he’d ever change the photos. 

“Not you now. I just got done crying. Stop that,” Donghyuck slapped Mark’s arm and pulled the covers up to his neck, settling in comfortably next to Mark. 

“We’re gonna make this the best summer yet,” Mark announced and Donghyuck nodded.

“Sounds good to me. Your college friends won’t have anything on me after this summer,” Donghyuck grinned, snuggling close to Mark. 

Mark’s college friends would never come close to having anything on Donghyuck no matter what they did this summer, but he nodded anyway and moved closer to Donghyuck. 

  
  


* 

Donghyuck sets the spoon down warily, wiping his mouth clean of the bland soup he had eaten only for the sake of getting some food in his stomach. He gets up, whispering to Taeil that he needs to use the restroom and makes his way out of the cafeteria. 

He hates the hospital. The atmosphere is horribly stifling, the sounds of crying resonate through Donghyuck’s head and make him want to cry again. He has no tears left in his body, and the unwavering blanket of grief is making him go numb, taking over each section of his body one by one, starting from his heart and spreading outward.

Donghyuck remembers seeing a bathroom in the hallway on the way down to the cafeteria, so he makes his way back, and as he gets closer to Mark’s room, his steps get slower. He sees two familiar outlines standing outside of the room and Donghyuck stops. He really isn’t ready for this meeting. 

It’s too late to turn around, though. Mark’s mother notices him and her face crumples, leaving Donghyuck no way to avoid the pain of seeing Mark’s parents so grief-stricken. 

Donghyuck strides over to Mark’s mom, wrapping his arms tight around her smaller frame. He buries his head in her hair, trying to be as comforting as possible, rocking them slightly back and forth. 

“Oh, Donghyuck,” Mark’s dad appears, and the two words tug at Donghyuck’s heart. The numbness from before feels like it’s disappeared, leaving the wound fresh and gaping once again. 

“Have you guys eaten?” Donghyuck asks, looking from Mark’s mom to dad. Mr. Lee shakes his head. 

“Not yet. We wanted to . . . see him,” Mr. Lee manages to say before lifting a hand to cover his face. Both adults look ragged in a way Donghyuck never expected, and once again, his heart aches painfully. 

“Will you call me when you see him?” Donghyuck looks down, expecting a refusal. 

Instead, Mrs. Lee ruffles his hair gently. “Of course.”

Usually, she would send him off with a few words of motivation for whatever challenge he was facing next, whether it be a calculus exam or a soccer match. Today, she just manages a faint smile before heading back towards the cafeteria, where Donghyuck had come from. 

“Donghyuck,” Mr. Lee stops in his path. Donghyuck looks up at Mark’s dad, the older digging around in his jacket pocket. 

He retrieves a lollipop - bright pink - which was strawberry, coincidentally Mark’s favorite flavor.    
“Oh,” Donghyuck breathes, hand trembling as he reaches out for the candy. “Thank you.”

Mark’s dad smiles, it’s tired, and it seems like he has aged ten years in the past day. His hair is unkempt and the wrinkles on his face make him look exhausted. “Take care, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck nods and leans in for a quick hug before continuing on his way to the bathrooms. He takes another look at the lollipop he’s clutching, the white wrapper gleaming under the bright lights, and he feels like this lollipop isn’t meant for him. It’s a stupid thought, of course it’s meant for him if Mark’s dad gave it to him, but he feels wrong eating it. 

He shakes his head and puts it in his pocket gently, making sure the wrapper doesn’t come off. It stares at him like it’s taunting him. Like Mark was supposed to be the one who was holding the lollipop in his hand, the one who was supposed to comfort his parents when they were distressed. 

It’s hard for Donghyuck to swallow the massive lump in his throat. 

*

Warm summers are the physical embodiment of Donghyuck. There’s nothing he loves more than sitting outside all day, no school to worry about, a cold drink sitting next to him, his skin getting all the sunshine it could ever want. 

Days like this were the best. The bright sun beat down on his face as he swung his body from right to left and back again on the hammock. His hair was plastered down to his forehead; he had spent all day out in the sun. It was close to the end of summer, and Donghyuck’s nerves had started acting up again. 

The past year - Donghyuck’s first year in university - had pushed Donghyuck and Mark apart, the two rarely meeting up. It was the longest they had been apart since they became friends. To make up for it, they had spent almost all of their summer together, either doing something - Donghyuck had found himself a part-time job at the local ice cream shop - or doing nothing and sitting in Mark’s backyard, like they were right now. 

Mark was, unsurprisingly, fast asleep like he usually was when there was anything resembling heat. Mark couldn’t deal with heat, he was more of a winter guy, which Donghyuck never understood, but to each their own, he thought.

Donghyuck looked over to Mark, the older’s face slightly hidden away as he faced away from Donghyuck. He reached for his phone near his feet and paused the music he had been playing, some new R&B album that Mark had been obsessed with for the past few days. Mark shifted, snuggling closer to Donghyuck’s side, throwing an arm around his waist, and though it was far too hot for the two to be so intertwined, Donghyuck didn’t remove Mark’s arm. 

Instead, Donghyuck felt warmth bloom in the pit of his stomach, the instant blanket of affection spreading over him. It wasn’t often that Donghyuck felt unsure of where he stood with someone, but lately, Mark had been showering him with a lot more affection than usual, and it confused Donghyuck to no end. He wasn’t sure if Mark had just missed him throughout the year they hadn’t seen each other, or if Mark had realized something else. 

It wasn’t like he had just come to terms with his feelings for the older boy. Donghyuck had known about his feelings for a very long time. Though he had never acted on them, the feelings were always there, they had always been lingering in the back of his mind. 

Mark moved again, and Donghyuck could feel the older’s warm breath blowing softly on his neck, his other hand coming up to rest on Donghyuck’s knee. Again, his stomach flipped and Donghyuck did his best to stay still, mindlessly scrolling through his instagram feed, hyper-aware of the way Mark’s chest rose and fell against his bicep. 

It wasn’t as if Donghyuck had just started liking Mark out of the blue one day. He knew that it had been a gradual development, though it had likely started when they were children. There had been no earth-shattering epiphany when he realized he liked Mark. It was more like he was finally admitting it to himself after years of the feelings building up. 

Honestly, Donghyuck didn’t know what drew him to Mark; what caused the feelings he now harbored for him. 

Maybe it was Mark’s contagious laugh, the one where his eyebrows formed perfect semicircles and his eyes were screwed shut tight. Maybe it was the way Mark always - no matter what - laughed at Donghyuck’s jokes, even the ones that Donghyuck himself knew weren’t humorous at all. Perhaps it was Mark’s hardworking, passionate personality; Mark was always one to give something his 100%, no matter how fleeting or ordinary the task was. Whatever it was, Donghyuck was drawn so strongly to Mark that it hurt to deny his feelings. 

Donghyuck didn’t expect Mark to return his feelings; Donghyuck had hidden his feelings well enough that Mark would never know. He was absolutely fine just hanging out with his best friend, no strings attached. 

He just wished his stomach wouldn’t flutter every time Mark attempted to touch him. 

“Hyuck?” Mark’s voice was raspy, coated with midsummer honey, his face shiny with sweat, his eyes soft as he stared into Hyuck’s. 

God, Donghyuck wanted to kiss him now more than ever before. 

“Yeah,” his own voice was pitchy, more breathy and higher than usual, and he internally winced, hoping Mark wouldn’t catch onto it. 

“This has been the best summer,” Mark closed his eyes again, his head still resting on Donghyuck’s shoulder,. “I don’t want it to end.”

“Me either.”

Mark sat up abruptly, opening his eyes and squinting once the bright sunlight hit them. His face was inches away from Donghyuck’s, and he was starting to lean in. 

Donghyuck’s mind was starting to head into overdrive but he forced his heart to remain calm; if there was an opportunity, he wasn’t one to back down from it. 

“Can I kiss you?” Mark’s voice was unusually timid, and maybe a part of it was the fact that they were outside, in Mark’s backyard, where anyone could see them. Donghyuck didn’t think Mark would ever ask to kiss him, no matter the location.

Still, Donghyuck wasn’t going to pass up this opportunity. He’d wondered what it would be like before and wanted to see how the real thing would live up to it. 

“Yeah,” Donghyuck whispered and closed the rest of the distance between them himself, reaching one hand up to nestle in Mark’s hair. Mark’s own hands cupped Donghyuck’s cheeks gently, so, so gently, and Donghyuck wanted more. 

The kiss was soft, like Donghyuck expected, the taste of sweat and salt transferring between the two, and Donghyuck wouldn’t have traded it for anything; he loved the way Mark’s lips slid against his own. Mark was so gentle with him, it was the opposite of what he had expected. Donghyuck loved it, he craved more. 

Mark was the first to pull back after a few seconds, and Donghyuck found himself chasing his lips before he opened his eyes, sitting up straight, the hammock starting to swing back and forth again. 

“That was . . .” Mark trailed off, the curves of his ears turning a soft pink. 

Donghyuck swung the hammock more violently, trying to hide the smile on his face as he tried to decipher Mark’s expression. It didn’t seem like he regretted it, he seemed like he had liked it. His pupils were dilated, hair tousled, and though he looked unsure, he didn’t look unhappy. 

Mark’s phone rang, and he flinched as it started vibrating against his thigh from inside his pocket. Donghyuck snorted and gestured for him to pick it up. 

Mark look flustered as the rosy tiny spread to his cheeks and he fished the phone out of his pocket before standing and walking to the edge of his lawn.

Donghyuck frowned, he didn’t know what to make of the last ten minutes. He found his own phone in the folds of the hammock, unlocking it and looking at the texts he had. Just a few in the group chat with his friends, and one from his mom telling him to be home soon. 

He sighed, looking back to where Mark was standing with his phone pressed to his ear, a bewildered expression on his face. 

Donghyuck wasn’t one to back down from unfamiliar circumstances, but this was something he wasn’t willing to put on the line. He couldn’t risk losing his friendship with Mark, he’d never get over it. 

So he got off the hammock, stretching his stiff body before casually walking towards the gate that led to the exit of Mark’s house. 

“Hold on a second,” Mark mumbled into the phone before Donghyuck felt a hand catching his wrist, effectively stopping him in place. 

Donghyuck turned sheepishly, commanding his face to act like nothing was wrong, like the kiss meant nothing to him. He couldn’t bear to ruin their friendship. “What?”

“Why are you leaving?” Mark looked like a little puppy, someone who needed to be reassured and kissed constantly, someone that Donghyuck would love to be for him. But Mark didn’t want Donghyuck, and he wasn’t willing to sacrifice their friendship. 

“Mom wants me home,” he shrugged, hoping that Mark understood that nothing was wrong. 

Mark looked unsure but nodded. “Okay, text me later? I’m just talking to Jungwoo about where I left some stuff in our apartment.”

“Okay, I’ll talk to you later,” Donghyuck said before leaning close to Mark’s ear and screaming, “Hey, Jungwoo! I’ll yell at Mark for not cleaning the apartment for you!” into the phone. 

Mark pushed him off, but not before grinning and waving as Donghyuck continued on his way to Mark’s driveway where his car was parked. 

They’d be alright. After all, wasn’t one kiss all that Donghyuck wanted?

*

Donghyuck remembers his and Mark’s first and only kiss vividly, like it had only happened a day ago, not two years ago. After that day, the two had gone back to normal, like nothing had ever happened, the kiss a sweet, distant memory that Donghyuck only revives on nights that he’s alone and sad. He tries not to think about it too much, though the memory strikes a different chord today. 

He starts heading back to the cafeteria but decides to take a detour on his way. He finds an empty hallway, sliding down the wall and pulling his legs up to his chest. Donghyuck pulls the lollipop out of his pocket and retrieves his wallet from his back pocket. The wallet was a gift from Mark when the younger had turned 21. Donghyuck opened it and started taking out the cash he had, digging through the coins stuffed in there until he saw a flash of blue and red. 

He pulled it out, the band-aid wrinkly and folded, but it was whole. Donghyuck didn’t know how long he had kept this in his wallet, it had been at least over three years. The small spiderman shapes were still clear, and Donghyuck hands trembled as he looked back and forth from the pink lollipop to the Spiderman band-aid which both reminded him so vividly of Mark. 

At once, he regrets every decision he had ever made about keeping his feelings to himself. Maybe if he had told Mark how he felt, they wouldn’t have drifted apart so much. Maybe they would’ve seen each other more if they had been higher priorities in each other’s lives. But wasn’t being best friends the highest priority after family? Donghyuck feels a hot flame of anger as he stares at the bandaid, at himself, at Mark, at the world for taking away his Mark hyung so soon. 

He’s so wrapped up in his endless thoughts that he doesn’t notice when Jeno takes a seat on the floor next to him until he says in a low voice, “They want us to leave now.”

Donghyuck startles until he realizes it’s his best friend, and he settles down next to him, asking, “Who?”

“Mark’s parents. They don’t want everyone staying in the hospital crying all day,” Jeno repeats what Mark’s parents had probably said, though his voice was bland and lifeless. 

When Donghyuck doesn’t reply, Jeno catches on to the fact that he’s distracted and thinking about something else, and his gaze softens as he takes Donghyuck’s hand in his. 

“What are you thinking about?” Jeno’s voice is soothing, and he starts rubbing circles on the back of Donghyuck’s hand, and it’s just so  _ Jeno _ that he can’t take it. 

“I wish I had told Mark how I felt,” he mutters, ignoring the searing burn of his body trying to produce tears in some way, trying to find a release for the pent-up feelings bubbling in Donghyuck’s body. “Maybe then we wouldn’t have drifted apart. Maybe if I hadn’t been a coward and talked to him about the kiss, things would be different.”

Jeno hums, “Yeah, maybe. But I want you to know something, Hyuck. Mark knew your feelings about him.”

“What?” Donghyuck inhales sharply and turns to face Jeno. 

Jeno nods, “He might not have acted like it, maybe he was scared, but he knew that you liked him. And he was head over heels in love with you. So yeah, maybe things would’ve been different. But you can’t focus on that, Hyuck, focus on the fact that he knew your feelings and that you still have these,” he gestures to the bandaids and lollipop, now discarded on the floor.    
Jeno picks them up and carefully slides them inside Donghyuck’s wallet, which was lying open on the cold floor. He stands first, leaning down and pulling Donghyuck up with him. It’s clear that Jeno’s trying to be strong for Donghyuck, who can’t seem to pull himself together at all. It tugs at Donghyuck’s heart, he’s being such a nuisance to him. 

“We should go see him.”

It’s clear who Jeno means, and Donghyuck stops still in the hallway. A burst of nausea diffuses through his body. 

“I don’t know if I can,” Donghyuck whispers, his stomach churning at the thought of seeing Mark, cold and lifeless, body discolored, lying on a white slab of cement. It seemed like an image from the nightmares he had after watching one too many horror movies alone in the dark, not something that would ever be real. 

He’s never seen a dead body, and he doesn’t know if he wants to. 

“Let’s go back down to the cafeteria then, okay? We can sit there for a while until you think you’re ready,” Jeno urges and Donghyuck nods reluctantly, taking Jeno’s outstretched hand. 

*

Donghyuck tossed his phone down as Mark came out of the kitchen, the laughter of middle-aged women echoing all around them. He was holding a platter of assorted fruits, and Donghyuck smiled as he set it down on the table in front of them. 

Mark took a seat next to Donghyuck and handed a fork to him, stabbing his own fork into a piece of watermelon, “Mom said that dinner would be out in about twenty.”

“So that means about,” Donghyuck scrunched his face as he did the calculations, “an hour and a half before people start leaving?”

Mark sighed and nodded, throwing his head back against the couch. Dinner parties were both boys’ worst nightmares. It didn’t help that both of their fathers worked for the same company, so where normally their parents would allow them to stay home, they were forced to go because ‘they would at least have one friend’. It was endlessly irritating, but there was nothing either boy could do about it. 

So there they were, at another dinner party, having to endure countless old ladies asking if they were planning on going to school to become a doctor or lawyer. 

The two boys had managed to get away after only a half hour of questioning, claiming that they had wanted to study for a big test on Monday, sending the cluster of women into an impressed frenzy, talking amongst themselves about how their own children would never study on a Friday night. 

Donghyuck and Mark had no intention of studying of course, but what was a little white lie that allowed their mothers to brag about them more? It got the other mothers off their backs as well. 

They were situated in Mark’s entertainment room upstairs, the largest room in their already large home. Mark’s parents were well-off and showed it in only one way: their home. They remained humble in every other area of their lives, school, work, and everything else. Their house, though, was something to marvel at. Both parents were beyond proud of their home, countless renovations and landscaping and redecorating done in the 22 years they had lived there. 

Their entertainment room was perhaps Donghyuck’s favorite room, other than Mark’s room, which he had helped redecorate the summer before his freshman year. It was bigger than twice Donghyuck’s room; a pool table and a small bar on one side of the room, and a grand piano on the other side. The middle of the room had a small marble water fountain, the main attraction of the room. 

All in all, it was a gorgeous room, even in Donghyuck’s 16-year-old opinion. 

Donghyuck’s eyes moved from Mark’s lap, where they had been watching some anime on his laptop, and drifted over to Mark’s piano. 

“Mark, will you play piano for me?” Donghyuck voiced his question quietly, not wanting to alert the other kids playing in the nursery across the hall. 

Mark paused the show, quirking his eyebrow up, “Sure?”

Mark had taken lessons when he was younger but had quit when he approached middle school, enjoying guitar far more than the piano. Donghyuck, on the other hand, had been forced to learn violin, which he mildly enjoyed, though voice lessons were much more pleasant in his opinion. 

The two relocated on the small piano bench, their thighs pressed together and elbows colliding every time they moved. 

Mark flipped through his various books full of sheet music, clearly looking for one specific piece. His eyebrows scrunched together when he came up empty-handed, lips pressed together tightly. 

Donghyuck just observed, putting another piece of melon in his mouth. Mark sighed and closed the books. 

“I wanted to play one of my favorite pieces from when I was little, but I can’t find it, so I’m gonna just play from memory,” he explained, quickly stuffing two more pieces of watermelon in his mouth, wiping his hands clean on his shirt before placing them on the spotless keys. 

The song was upbeat, and Mark’s hands flew across the piano rapidly; it was the perfect song for Mark. There were a few bumps, it was obvious that Mark was out of practice, but the song he played was gorgeous nonetheless. As the music crescendoed and decrescendoed, Donghyuck focused on Mark’s face. He looked peaceful like he had found an escape from this dinner party, from school, from everything that was bothering him. 

Donghyuck clapped when Mark finished, beaming at the older. “You’re lucky your parents put you in piano. Mine decided that hearing a violin screech every day was a better idea.”

“Do you wanna learn? I can teach you something easy,” Mark suggested it easily, and Donghyuck wouldn’t ever be able to refuse Mark when he offered like that.

“I can already play twinkle twinkle little star, so technically I already know how to play,” he stuck his tongue out and Mark laughed, lifting his hands in surrender. 

“Okay, sorry. Clearly, your piano-playing skills are already past mine,” Mark rolled his eyes and Donghyuck pouted. 

“Teach me something harder,” he demanded and Mark’s lips quirked up. 

“Is that a challenge?”

“Maybe it is.”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Donghyuck laughed as Mark looked at him expectantly. “You’re better at piano and I’m just a beginner.”

“Glad we’ve established that,” Mark poked his stomach, “Do you wanna learn some scales?”

Donghyuck shrugged. Anything would be better than the Bach piece Mark had started teaching him, “Sure, I guess.”

“Okay, put your right thumb on middle C,” he guided Donghyuck’s hand to the correct key, “Now, you’re gonna play C, D, and E, then tuck your thumb under and hit the F with your thumb, then keep going until you get to the next C,” Mark explained. 

Donghyuck did as he was told, a series of off-tune, unrhythmic noises following. Mark let out an amused snort. He repositioned Donghyuck’s fingers to the right key, “Don’t hit any of the black keys, okay? This scale doesn’t have any flats or sharps.”

Donghyuck nodded and tried the scale again, noticing that Mark was moving closer, sending his heart into overdrive. He accidentally slipped up and pressed the wrong key, and Mark sighed, moving even closer to Donghyuck. 

The younger wasn’t quite sure how he felt about Mark, but he did know that his heart started beating a lot faster when he closed the distance between them and that there were certain times that he felt like kissing Mark, and this was one of those times. Donghyuck hadn’t ever kissed anyone before, but he found himself wondering what it would be like with Mark. Always Mark. 

Mark gently picked up Donghyuck’s hand and placed it back on the correct key, before he put his own hands on the piano and demonstrated the correct way to play the scale. 

Donghyuck wasn’t paying attention to the piano at all. His gaze was focused on Mark’s own focused face, lips pressed together tightly as his fingers flew across the keys of the piano. 

“Can you play something else for me?” Donghyuck knew there was no point in trying to learn how to play the piano; he’d much rather listen to Mark playing. 

Mark nodded with a small smile, “You suck at piano. Now I get why your parents decided that a stringed instrument was better for you. Maybe we can try guitar next time.”

Donghyuck just shrugged, “There’s a reason I quit playing violin. I’m clearly not good at playing instruments. But it’s fine, you’re good enough for the both of us.”

“What does that even mean?” Mark laughed and pushed Donghyuck gently, before setting his hands back onto the keys. 

The second song he played was softer, remaining at a constant slow rhythm for the entire duration of the piece. His eyes were closed, clearly it was a piece that he needed no sheet music for. The melody was soft and carried through the whole room, changing the usual cold atmosphere into something more bright, something that felt closer to home for both boys. The piece felt familiar, like maybe Mark had played it for Donghyuck before. 

Donghyuck leaned his head on Mark’s shoulder, careful not to disrupt his playing. 

The two boys sat there, the lilting music washing over them, setting a tranquil mood that made it harder for Donghyuck to deny his feelings for Mark. 

Donghyuck studied Mark’s face as he played, the older’s lips pursed, his eyes focused on a point far on the wall ahead of them, his socked foot lifting up from the pedal every once in a while. 

This was just a prime example of what Donghyuck loved about Mark. He was always so focused on whatever task was at hand, it was half endearing and it half made Donghyuck want to learn to do the same.

Mark looked so perfect, sitting next to Donghyuck on the piano bench. The black button-down his mother had forced him to wear accentuated his black hair well. He looked handsome, and Donghyuck wanted to tell him that. 

He lifted his head from Mark’s shoulder as his fingers slowed, finishing out the last few notes slowly, before a wide smile spread across his face. 

“That’s my favorite piece ever,” he commented, brushing his hair back away from his forehead and grabbing his fork, going for the last piece of watermelon in the plate. “How’d you like it?”

Donghyuck swallowed, if he was going to say something to Mark tonight, it had to be now, “Mark, you look really-”

“Boys, dinner’s done!” Mark’s mom poked her head into the room, gaze softening once she saw the two boys seated at the piano. “Please call the other kids down too, alright? Donghyuck, I made your favorite!”

“Oh, uh, thanks, Mrs. Lee,” Donghyuck managed to say, his mind still reeling from the near-confession he had just made.

What had he been thinking? He could never confess his feelings for Mark, especially not like this. 

“Let’s head down. I want more watermelon,” Mark said warmly and stood, stretching his back, waiting for Donghyuck to stand before the two made their way downstairs. 

*

The walk to the morgue where Mark’s body’s being kept is long, and it gives Donghyuck more time to think. He thinks he’s had enough time to think, in fact, he’s spent the whole day just thinking and trying to come to terms with the events of the day. 

Still, as he walks alongside Jeno and Mark’s parents, he can’t help but to imagine that this is all some sort of nightmare, some twisted nightmare where as soon as Donghyuck sees Mark’s head of black hair, he would sit up in his bed, breathing heavily, realizing that it’s all a nightmare. He would call Mark that instant, sagging in relief when Mark’s sleepy voice travels into Donghyuck’s ear, soft words comforting him. Donghyuck would tell Mark how much he loves him, just so he’s certain that Mark knows. 

Another scenario runs through his head, clogging his thoughts. He thinks of walking into the morgue, the attendant revealing his body only for Mark to sit up straight when he hears his parents’ voices, his eyes bloodshot and hair tousled. Donghyuck shudders at that one, it’s too horror movie-esque for him. 

Donghyuck has no such luck. The four of them come to a stop in front of a big blue door, the placard on the wall reading ‘morgue’. Donghyuck breathes in deeply and grips Jeno’s hand tightly. 

The nurse opens the door for them, wishing them good luck and sending sympathetic smiles their way. What a mess they must look like, Donghyuck thinks. Mark’s parents are holding onto each other tightly, like if one loosens their grip even an inch, the both of them might collapse. Jeno and Donghyuck look like a different type of mess, dried snot stuck on their faces, cheeks red and faces swollen from all the crying they had done over the course of the day. 

Donghyuck swallows down the bile that rises as they enter the door. It smells strangely like the disinfectant his anatomy teacher in 11th grade used after they had finished dissecting frogs, which does nothing to relieve the churning in his stomach. 

The morgue attendant greets them formally, no emotion displayed on her face as she led them to Mark’s body. He was already laying on the cart, the white sheets pulled all the way over his head. 

Mark’s mom stifles her sobs as the attendant pulls back the sheets, revealing Mark’s body. His face has been cleaned, though there’s still red tints to his face where the blood wasn’t washed all the way off. His nose looks crooked, it had clearly been broken in the accident. A cut on his forehead remains open, his discolored skin making it look like theater makeup. Except it’s real. 

Donghyuck’s eyes roam over Mark’s face, the usual warm tones of his skin faded, leaving nothing but a discolored, pallid pigment coloring his face. 

He can’t take it anymore. The smell, the sight of Mark’s motionless body is too much. He breaks away from Jeno’s grip, ignoring the calls for him as he heaves the door open and stumbles out of the room. 

He sucks in a deep breath of fresh air, grateful for the lack of disinfectant in his oxygen supply. He leans against the wall, resting his hands on his knees as he attempts to catch his breath. This time, when the image of Mark’s lifeless body flashes in his mind, he’s not able to keep the bile down. 

There’s a garbage can at the end of the hall, which Donghyuck sprints to, balancing himself against the wall as he leans over the black can. He heaves the small amount of lunch he had eaten back up, retching until there’s nothing left in his stomach. 

His head is spinning by the time Jeno reaches his side, gently rubbing his back and pushing his damp hair away from his face.

All at once, Donghyuck feels a swirl of emotions as he takes a seat next to the garbage can, letting Jeno pull him into his arms. 

“It’s too much, I can’t do it,” Donghyuck says between hiccups, Jeno lightly rubbing his arm. 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to go in,” Jeno comforts him so naturally, it seems like he’s not affected whatsoever. 

A wave of guilt floods him; he had been spending so much time wrapped in his own pitiful thoughts, he didn’t stop to comfort Jeno. 

“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck whispers, sitting up and pushing away from Jeno. He wipes his face with the bottom of his t-shirt, and stands, pulling Jeno with him. 

Jeno knows exactly what he’s talking about, judging from the way he waves Donghyuck away, “It’s okay, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck knows it’s not okay, but he needs to see Mark before it’s too late. His heart is throbbing - heartache and guilt all weighing him down - and he feels nauseous, but he starts walking towards the blue door again. 

Mark’s parents are holding each of Mark’s hands, whispering softly to their son. Mrs. Lee tucks a stray strand of hair behind Mark’s ear, her face contorting in pain and she brings a shaky hand up to cover her face. 

Donghyuck turns away, an immediate burst of anger rising in his chest and spreading, red-hot, taking over each section of his body until all he can see is red. 

He’s seething, his hands clenched in fists at his side. Jeno can easily see the change in Donghyuck and he raises an eyebrow, but Donghyuck pays it no mind. He storms out of the room; he’s angry, but he would never explode in front of Mark’s parents. 

The white hospital walls look too perfect, too intact, and Donghyuck can’t even think straight. It feels like a cruel joke to see people up and walking while Mark is permanently laying down in the morgue.

He kicks the wall, once, twice, three times, before Jeno grabs his shoulder and pulls him back. The walls are still pearly white, standing perfectly upright, not a single indent in the plaster. Jeno grips Donghyuck’s shoulders, looking him in the eye.    
“Donghyuck, stop,” the words are firm, and Donghyuck goes limp, all the energy seeping out from his body. He’s still angry, though he can’t identify what the feeling is directed towards. 

He’s angry that Mark left him so early. He’s angry that he never got a chance to confess his feelings. He’s angry that he’s all alone without Mark to comfort him and be his best friend. He’s angry that Jeno can be so calm while Donghyuck feels like he’s falling apart at the seams. He’s angry that he can’t pull himself together enough to be a good friend to Jeno. He’s angry that Mark’s stubborn and doesn’t drive home during the day. But most of all, he’s angry that he’s still here and Mark’s not. 

“Donghyuck, let’s go back to the cafe, okay? Let’s get you some water and-”

“No,” Donghyuck desperately rips his arm away from Jeno. “I need- I have to be here. I can’t leave.”

Jeno doesn’t know what Donghyuck is playing at. It’s clear he’s not mentally stable enough to be here, but Jeno also knows that this, right here, will give Donghyuck the closure he needs. 

“Okay. Don’t go in just yet, though. Wait for Mr. and Mrs. Lee to come back out, alright?” Jeno’s grip on Donghyuck loosens the tiniest bit, and Donghyuck nods in silent agreement. 

They take a seat on the floor, leaning against the wall. Jeno fiddles with his hands, he’s never been the best at comforting, though his presence itself is comforting enough for Donghyuck. 

“Do you wanna talk about why you’re so angry?” Jeno finally asks, as he ties and reties his shoes. 

Donghyuck shrugs, he doesn’t even know where to begin. He tips his head back, letting it rest against the cool wall, his anger fizzing out from his body. “I miss him already. Isn’t that weird? We’ve gone months without talking before, and all of a sudden I miss him after he’s gone. I guess I always miss him, even when we don’t talk, but it’s just . . . unbearable.”

Jeno sighs and wraps an arm around Donghyuck. “It’s not weird. I miss him too. You know he texted me yesterday morning? Asking me if you were excited to see him? He obviously knew you would be excited but he still texted to see if I could tell if you were.”

Something clogs in Donghyuck’s chest, and it feels like his lungs have just stopped working. He makes a small sound, somewhere between and whimper and a cry, and Jeno’s arm tightens around him. 

“The point is that he loves you and he knew you loved him,” Jeno says, wincing once he realizes what he’s said and corrects it, “He knows you love him.”

After his angry outburst, Donghyuck feels desperate. Desperate for what, he doesn’t know. But he feels utterly useless sitting on the floor outside the morgue, trying to steel himself enough to go inside and see Mark. 

He feels lost and panicked, and doesn’t know where to even start to fix it. So he settles for slipping his hand into Jeno’s, laying his head on Jeno’s shoulder, and closing his eyes. 

He feels Jeno starting to rub his back again and he inadvertently relaxes, his muscles loosening from their previously tense state, fatigue taking its place. 

Donghyuck’s third attempt at seeing Mark’s body is slightly better than the first two. He doesn’t throw up, he doesn’t punch anything, but that’s where it ends. 

Instead of saying anything to Mark, he just takes a seat on the chair that Mrs. Lee had been occupying, Jeno taking the one next to him. 

Donghyuck isn’t sure what he wants to say to Mark. He’s been crying the whole day, but when he finally sees Mark’s body, all he feels is fear, mixed with guilt. 

He holds Mark’s hand, it’s cold and limp and unlike Mark, unlike  _ his _ Mark. 

“I’m sorry, Mark hyung,” Donghyuck starts, biting down on his lip as his eyes start to burn again. “I’m really, really, sorry, Mark hyung. I’m sorry. How do I fix this?”

His voice breaks on the last word and he lays his head on his folded arms, resting mere inches from Mark. 

Jeno sucks in a breath but doesn’t say anything, instead just gently whispering to Mark, “I love you, Mark hyung. You can rest now,” his eyes get watery and he uses his sleeve to rub at his face. 

Donghyuck wishes that he was in a movie or book. This would be the part where Mark would wake up and realize that he’s in love with Donghyuck, and the two would live happily ever after. But it’s not a movie and Mark is really dead.

“I love you, Mark hyung,” Donghyuck pleads, hoping for something, anything. “I love you so much.”

There’s no response and Mark’s body remains stoic. 

Donghyuck throws up as soon as he exits the room, the image of Mark’s body plastered in his brain. 

*

“I’m happy for you, I really am,” Donghyuck’s smile was unwavering as Mark’s own smile radiated through the phone screen. 

“Really? I thought you’d be jealous that you still have all of med school to get through,” Mark mused, raising an eyebrow. 

“If you want me to act jealous for you, I can,” Donghyuck wiggled his eyebrows and pouted, “Mark, I wish I was done with school. I can’t wait to be unemployed.”

“Shut up, Hyuck,” he shook his head, his newly-dyed black hair standing out against his tan skin. 

“I can’t believe that you really dyed your hair back to black just to celebrate being unemployed,” Donghyuck snickered, “You still have three weeks left before you graduate. Who knows? Maybe you’ll fail.”

Mark rolled his eyes, “I’ve been studying law for the past four years. I highly doubt that I’m gonna fail my finals. Oh, that reminds me, I think I’m gonna come visit the weekend before the graduation ceremony, then my parents and I will drive back up. Can I crash at your apartment for like two days? I don’t wanna spend the first few nights at my parents’ house, then I’ll really feel like I’m unemployed.”

Donghyuck closed his textbook and picked up his phone, “Yeah, that’s fine. You, me, and Jeno can get drunk to celebrate.”

Mark tutted, “You’re gonna be studying for your finals, so me and Jeno will be getting drunk.”

Donghyuck scoffed and resumed working on his homework, scribbling down the answers as fast as he could so he could give Mark all his attention. 

Mark and Donghyuck had really been lacking in the communication department this last semester. They had gone the whole semester with maybe 10 texts exchanged between the two. That was a new low, even for Mark, who barely ever checked his phone in the first place.

Still, it felt like coming home every time they facetimed or called each other; all it took was hearing Mark’s sweet voice to calm him down and instantly take his worries away. 

“I miss you, Hyuck,” Mark’s voice was lower, and the words struck a chord in Donghyuck. 

Donghyuck forced a smile. He would not fall apart in front of Mark. “Of course you do. It’s a wonder you survive without me, I know. Just hold on a little while longer and you’ll have me for the entire summer.”

“Hyuck. . .” the way Mark said his name never failed to send shivers up and down Donghyuck’s back. It was a whine, asking for an answer in return. 

“I miss you too, Mark,” Donghyuck said easily, gaze fixated on the pen on his desk in front of him. “Two and a half weeks till we see each other, though.”

“Two and a half weeks,” Mark agreed. “I’ll be counting down the days.”

Donghyuck smiled; Mark was so honestly  _ Mark _ , and it was horribly endearing. 

_ I’ll be counting down the seconds, _ Donghyuck thought. 

  
  


*

The Saturday after the day Mark was supposed to graduate is rainy, and Donghyuck appreciates the way the weather has coordinated with his feelings for once. 

Gray clouds litter the sky and moisture is thick in the air, matching the mood of everyone attending the memorial service today. Everyone is dressed in various black articles of clothing, and Donghyuck feels the most miserable he’s ever felt before. 

The service is long, and Donghyuck spends most of it clamping down his tongue, trying to stop the tears from falling. Donghyuck thinks he’s cried more this past week than ever before in his life. In fact, that’s almost all he did this week. He cried, tried to work on schoolwork, lost his temper, watched TV blankly, and cried to Renjun and Jeno. 

Mark’s parents speak, his roommate, Yukhei, speaks, and Donghyuck, Renjun, and Jeno all speak together. Renjun is the only one who’s able to keep it together until the end of the service. Donghyuck breaks down in the middle of his sentence, reminiscing about Mark’s constant need to help everyone around him. Jeno lets a few tears fall when he talks about how Mark showed up one day in the middle of the night, holding 2 pints of ice cream, after Jeno called him and told him about the bad day he had at school. 

After Mark’s casket is lowered into the ground, Jeno, Renjun, and Donghyuck take a seat on the grass at the edge of the cemetery. Jisung and Chenle join them, both of their faces red and blotchy, each of them clutching a white flower in their left hand.

There are people still scattered around the grass, Taeyong comforting his parents, Jaehyun standing next to him; Sicheng and Yuta are speaking quietly with Jungwoo and Yukhei, two of Mark’s university friends. Even Mark and Donghyuck’s high school principal came, along with many of Mark’s teachers. It’s clear how loved Mark was, a fact that does nothing to soothe the fire in Donghyuck’s heart. 

He leans into Renjun, who squeezes his shoulder softly. They sit in silence, watching the grey clouds pass by overhead, the wind whipping their ties and hair every which way. 

Donghyuck takes out his wallet gingerly, locating two Spiderman bandaids. He smiles, lips cracking from the way he hasn’t smiled in almost a week. It’s a small comfort, the small piece of tape, the small character as familiar to him as his own hand is. 

“Look,” Jeno points at the sky, his voice hoarse, as his finger reaches toward a certain cloud. 

It’s a fluffy white cloud in a sea of angry grey ones, traveling just the tiniest bit slower than the other clouds. It’s rough, but Donghyuck thinks he sees a vague ‘M’ shape as it floats by. He’s silent as he looks at his friends, seeing if any of them caught it as well. 

Jisung makes a choked noise as he notices it, “It’s an M.”

Jaemin smiles and pulls Jisung and Chenle close. Donghyuck directs his gaze back up to the sky, watching the small cloud get smaller and smaller, floating further and further away. 

_ Goodbye, Mark hyung. I love you.  _

*

Donghyuck furrowed his eyebrows as he reread the question for what seemed like the thousandth time. 

_ If a white chicken is crossed with a brown chicken and both are heterozygous, with the white allele being dominant over brown, what are the genotypes and phenotypes of the offspring? _

__ What the hell did that mean? Donghyuck was generally good at biology, and genetics hadn’t been too hard at first, but he was struggling with these types of questions. He had gotten a C on their last quiz, and for Donghyuck, who strictly maintained A’s in his advanced biology class, could not afford to get anything below.

“Eat your lunch, Hyuck,” Jeno pushed his sandwich closer to him, stopping his conversation with Yukhei. 

“Are you still not getting it?” Mark asked as Donghyuck sighed, dropping his pencil on top of his paper and shoving it away. He stretched his neck before picking up his sandwich. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. This shouldn’t be this hard,” he mumbled. It wasn’t very often that he was bad at something, so when he finally found the rare thing he was bad at, he shut down. 

“Do you want me to help you after school? I think I remember most of what we learned from last year,” Mark offered, an easy smile forming on his face.

Donghyuck knew he should say no. Mark had work after school today anyway, and he’d be dead tired when he got home. Still, Donghyuck knew that Mark would make time for Donghyuck no matter how exhausted he was, and that wasn’t something Donghyuck should take lightly. 

“There’s just a few I don’t know how to do, so could you help me after work?” Donghyuck asked and Mark nodded.

“Sure, I have some homework I need to get done too,” Mark smiled and went back to eating his lunch. Donghyuck grinned and watched as Mark choked on a cracker, coughing hard before reaching for his water. 

Yukhei kicked Donghyuck’s foot, sending him a look that clearly said ‘stop staring at Mark like a creep’, and Donghyuck stifled his smile as he looked down at his sandwich, ignoring the affectionate warmth that was spreading through his chest. Mark was just so, so effortlessly lovable.

He sighed dreamily, not realizing that the other three occupants of the table were staring at him stare into space, a mindless smile forcing itself onto his face.

Jeno coughed and Donghyuck straightened, his blush spreading to his cheeks as he surveyed his three friends. Mark looked mildly concerned and mildly amused, and Donghyuck could tell he was itching to ask whether Donghyuck had a new crush on someone. Jeno looked embarrassed on Donghyuck’s part, his cringe clear on his face. Yukhei looked somewhat confused, like he didn’t know why exactly Donghyuck was staring into space daydreaming, but he also laughed it off, and Donghyuck thanked him from saving him from the obviously awkward conversation he would’ve had to endure right then. 

“So,” Yukhei started, “Mark, are you running for student body president for next year?” 

Mark chewed his food thoroughly before answering. “I want to, but I don’t think I’ll get enough votes to be elected.”

Yukhei scoffed. They all knew that Mark was one of the most popular and well-liked upcoming seniors. If Donghyuck hadn’t been a sophomore this year, he would’ve ran with Mark as vice president or something. Just so he could talk to Mark like everyone else did, not in the way Mark treated him, like a mix between best friend and brother.

“We all know you’d win, Mark. I’m sure most of the school is ready to vote for you anyway,” Jeno assured him, a kind smile on his face. 

“Thanks, Jeno. But what about Kang Mina? Everyone likes her. Or Kim Yerim? She’s been on student council with me all three years so far.”

“Yeah, but you’re Mark Lee. The whole school loves you,” Yukhei remarked.

Donghyuck stiffened at the mention of Mina’s name. He was sure that something had been going on between Mina and Mark. And it wasn’t like he had anything against it; Mark above anyone else deserved to have someone next to him that was as hardworking and passionate about their dreams as Mark was. 

He was still a little jealous though. Donghyuck could be hardworking too, when he wanted to be. Still, the dream of being with Mark was something that Donghyuck tried not to think about often. It was just unrealistic, and Donghyuck didn’t need to fantasize about things that would never happen. 

“Yeah, Mark. You should run. I’d vote for you,” Donghyuck piped up, sending Mark a comforting smile. 

Donghyuck looked up from his notebook as Mark’s door opened, a tired Mark trudging in with his backpack slung over one shoulder. 

“Hey, how was work?” Donghyuck asked as Mark dumped his bag on the floor and dropped his body onto the bed, landing facedown and letting out a groan of pain. 

Mark had a paid internship at a highly respected law firm - courtesy of his father - but it demanded a lot out of Mark. The four days he worked each week left him a tired mess each night. 

Donghyuck stood from where he was sitting at Mark’s desk and took a seat next to Mark, letting his hand brush against Mark’s arm gently. “That bad, huh?”

Mark said something incoherently, mumbling into his pillow about how disorganized the files always were and Donghyuck snorted. 

“You should get some rest, I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Donghyuck knew this would be the case, but there was something about Mark coming home to Donghyuck after a day of work that made Donghyuck want to stay. 

“No, no, wait. ‘m fine. I’ll help you,” Mark pushed himself up, yawning as he did so, the action tugging at Donghyuck’s heart. 

“You can help me later. You’re exhausted, Mark. You should get some sleep,” Donghyuck pushed himself off the bed, starting to collect his papers. 

Mark was at his side in an instant, pulling another chair up to the desk, pushing Donghyuck back down into his desk chair. “I’ll help, I’m fine. I’m not that tired.”

Each word oozed with fatigue and lilted with drowsiness, but Donghyuck let himself fall into the chair. As stubborn as Donghyuck was, he was surprisingly compliant when Mark told him to do something. 

Mark sucked some water out of the water bottle on his nightstand and took a seat in his chair. “So what are you confused about?” 

Mark explained each concept slowly, allowing Donghyuck to ask questions and complete the corresponding homework problems for each troublesome topic. After a while, the two found their own rhythms, Donghyuck working on his biology homework silently, while Mark worked on a paper for his English class. It was the most productive homework session for Donghyuck all week. 

It was only when he asked a question fifteen minutes later that he realized just how tired Mark was. He turned around when Mark didn’t answer, finding his best friend knocked out with his head laid down on his laptop. Donghyuck sighed, a fond smile taking over his face. At least Mark had closed his laptop before he decided to take a nap, or else his essay would’ve been full of keyboard smashes. 

Mark looked so soft when he slept. There was no worry in his face and he looked so peaceful. Donghyuck reached out and ran his hand through Mark’s hair, gently pushing the hair out of his eyes. Mark shifted closer to Donghyuck’s hand in his sleep, and Donghyuck smiled again. Mark did his best to not seem cute, but it was hard when Mark was a naturally cute person. He wanted to move Mark to the bed, but he knew that Mark still had homework to finish. 

There was a weak pressure building up in his chest the longer he stared at Mark’s sleeping face, and it made him feel weird. Donghyuck’s feelings were no more than a crush, but sometimes he felt different around Mark in certain circumstances, and this was one of them.

Donghyuck pulled his hand back, quickly jumping up to grab a blanket from Mark’s bed, draping it around the sleeping boy, tucking it in at his shoulders. Then he grabbed Mark’s phone, setting a timer for 30 minutes. 

He wanted Mark to get all the rest he needed, but he knew that Mark would be angry if he didn’t wake him up so he could finish his homework. 

Donghyuck stuffed his notebooks into his bag, sneaking one last glance at Mark’s sleeping figure, before heading out of his bedroom. 

*

Mark’s grave is well-kept; there’s always fresh flowers and small knick-knacks that serve as reminders of Mark. Though small, the little reminders that Mark is still here help Donghyuck immensely. 

He kneels down in front of Mark, placing his small bouquet of flowers, consisting of sunflowers and pansies, next to the last bouquet he brought. 

“I’m sorry I never told you my feelings for you. You deserved to know, and I was a coward for keeping them from you. I’m sorry.”

He takes a seat on the grass, not caring if his jeans get dirty, and manages a smile. “You know, it’s been really weird these past few weeks. Sometimes I hear a song that I think you’d like and I try to text you about it but then I remember and it ruins my day. It still hurts a whole lot. We were supposed to spend this summer together. But now it’s June and I don’t have anyone to spend it with. You didn’t even get to be unemployed,” Donghyuck recalled their conversation only a few weeks ago. 

Donghyuck breathes in the smell of the lush grass, it had rained last night and the scent of the grass is overwhelming. It is freshly mowed as well, and Donghyuck thinks it’s highly fitting. Even the grass is telling him that it’s time to move on, time to take care of himself.

He fishes his wallet out of his pocket, opening it up and finding the bandaid and lollipop he had kept on him permanently for the last three weeks. 

He presses a sweet, quick kiss against the bandaid. It had kept him strong through all of this. Now it was back where it belonged. He lays the two items down gently at the bottom of the headstone, leaning back on his heels as he surveys how they look in the midst of the flowers. 

“I hope you can be proud of me one day,” Donghyuck fiddles with his fingers, staring at the grass.

“He’s always been proud of you,” a quiet voice comes from behind him and Donghyuck turns, seeing Taeyong walk up behind him, his own bouquet of flowers clutched between his hands. 

“What?” Donghyuck didn’t expect anyone else to be here today. It’s just any ordinary Wednesday, though Donghyuck has been thinking of Mark all day long, which had prompted him to make a visit today.

“Mark’s always been proud of you. He never stopped bragging about you, not when we were kids and certainly not when you guys were in uni. You’ve always been his best friend and he’s always been proud of you. I don’t know how you guys were so oblivious about each other’s feelings, though,” he frowns, taking a seat next to Donghyuck, setting the flowers down lightly in front of him. 

“What do you mean?” Donghyuck’s mind is reeling; he didn’t know Mark talked to Taeyong about him, and he sure as hell doesn’t know what Taeyong meant by the last sentence. 

Taeyong smiles grimly, his gaze unfocused as he looked up at the sky, “The two of you loved each other. And I can’t figure out why you never told each other.”

“Of course we love each other. We were best friends,” Donghyuck sighs, feeling the pressure deflate out of his chest. For a second, he had dared to think Mark loved him the way Donghyuck loved him, but of course Taeyong didn’t mean that. 

“Not like that, Hyuck,” Taeyong reaches out and takes the younger’s hand in his; Taeyong’s hand is warm and soft, and the contact acts as an anchor for Donghyuck to focus his thoughts on. His mind is racing as he contemplates what Taeyong means. 

Taeyong saves him from his misery as he says, “He loved you more than friends. I didn’t want to tell you because it would just hurt more, but you deserve to know,” Taeyong lets out a chuckle as he looks away, his eyes tearing up. “Mark was too scared to tell you. But you should know.”

Donghyuck’s heart sinks, and he’s pushing away from Taeyong and standing before Taeyong can even get another word out, and he stumbles over to a big tree that’s nearby, feeling dizzy and nauseous all at once. 

It takes him a few minutes to process: Mark loved him the way Donghyuck loved Mark. They both loved each other. 

It’s confirming what Jeno had told him that day, but Donghyuck had never fully allowed himself to believe that it was true. 

He sits there, under the great tree, thinking about how things could’ve been different. Simultaneously, he hates Taeyong for telling him, because moving on will be that much harder, but he’s glad Taeyong told him too, because he did deserve to know. 

Taeyong gives him a few minutes, as he talks to Mark by himself, before he heads over to where Donghyuck’s sitting, crouching down next to him.

Donghyuck swallows the lump in his throat, looking up and managing a small smile. He fists the grass under his hands, reminding himself that he’s still here, he’s okay. “Thank you for telling me. It’s just . . . a lot.”

Taeyong smiles back, squeezing his shoulder gently, “I know. You’re strong, though. You’ll be okay.”

Donghyuck nods, he’s glad Taeyong’s here to give him some reassurance. “I’m gonna say goodbye to Mark.”

“Sure. I’ll give you some privacy,” Taeyong sits down and starts playing with the grass under his feet. 

“I’m gonna miss you so much, Mark. I already do miss you, every day, every second. But I’m gonna live my life. I’m gonna become a doctor, and you can make fun of me from up there, okay? Remember how you’d constantly laugh at me because I always had more homework than you? Well, now you can laugh at how many hours I’m gonna work a week. Anyways, I’ll make sure your parents are doing well. And Taeyong, because I know he tries to stay strong for everyone else. I left the bandaid and lollipop for you, Mark. So you better use it when you need to. I’ll make you proud,” Donghyuck traces a finger over Mark’s name slowly, feeling the smooth stone beneath his fingers. 

He sits back on his heels, taking a quick moment to recollect his thoughts. Memories of him and Mark throughout the years flash through his mind, from the two of them running home in elementary school, to the two of them practicing driving in high school, to late night facetimes in university. “Thank you for being in my life, hyung.”

With that, he stands and walks back over to Taeyong, wiping the moisture that had gathered at the corner of his eyes, and holds out a hand for Taeyong.

Taeyong’s smile is warm as he turns to whisper another ‘goodbye’ at his little brother’s grave, and Donghyuck asks quietly, “Ice cream?”

“Sure,” Taeyong says with a knowing smile. Ice cream was Mark’s favorite dessert. “Chocolate chip cookie dough?” 

Donghyuck nods weakly, “For Mark.”

*

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> okay, so this idea's been in my head ever since something similar happened in my family, and this is how i coped ! so yeah, i hope you felt something while reading, because i cried while writing it. follow me on [twt](https://twitter.com/honeyshyuck) or ask questions on [cc](https://curiouscat.me/honeyshyuck) if you want !!
> 
> ash xxx


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